The One-A-Month Club

Being just a rural dweeb, I only now realized the wicked-grand movement I started in early 2004---You're Welcome!---by sending a piece published in my local paper and then forgetting about it---never took off. Like walking back to the garden for the first time in August and not being able to locate the radishes.

In Nov 06, by my calculations, I should have had the entire population of earth on board, and be marching by now shoulder-to-...whatever...with all sentient beings in the known universe. No Bush 2nd term, war eliminated, energy independence, global warming reversed, single payer health care, shared wealth, the Stock Exchange converted to a community greenhouse, suits in exile. Guess a few other charter members forgot too.

Back to the original 2004 scheme, contents updated to vers. 2.010 ...a veritable progressive Ponzi...Mary Kay for the soul...a Bernie M. for social justice:

* * *

Some of us don't belong. We don't play well with others.

We aren't Democrats or Republicans. We aren't rich. We are not connected. We don't belong to any Sierra Club. We don't dress cool. We still bend for pennies on the pavement. We are not powerful or pretty. We snack while watching TV and don't work it off later. We leave early, get home late, and get bone-tired. Vacation means home from work a week. Travel means driving so far we have to buy gas. Eating out is sitting instead of taking it home in a bag. Nobody would mistake us for Wall Street.

But there are a lot of us, and when we're all together we're big and scary. (Shit, some are scary by themselves.) We don't come together often since we don't belong, but we're beginning to feel our oats. We have not quite figured out why we're so pissed, though, so sometimes we switch sides mid-sentence and mis-spell stuff on posters.

We know we've been had ... and not just the last 10 years, but ever since we can remember. This isn't about politics anymore, but about class, wealth and greed. We don't belong, but we're not stupid.

So what do we do? Get out and organize? Yeah, right. Got some corporate campaign donors for us?

There's one kind of organizing that has real appeal where we live, though, and that's the pyramid scheme. Come to think of it, even the rich and savvy know you never lose with this one. Remember that lady who sent a dollar each to the top 5 in that letter and got a million back the next month? Remember the pension funds that....Need I say more?

How about this: Find one person this month. Get that person to find one more next month. The letters and undies parties we did before were just for practice. You know how to do it...now let's go for a big prize, like the right to go on living in civilized society.

Introducing The One-a-Month Club! Ta Da! We talk, and we convince one person a month that she or he can make a difference. We ask our recruit to find one other person a month. That's just about it, except we agree to do one extra task each month to make the world a better place. It can be anything: call a senator's office with an opinion, write a letter to the paper, drive a shut-in friend to vote, stand up and spout off in a meeting, send twenty bucks to Haiti, call back old One-a-Month recruits to see if they're still members. One thing, that's all.

For those who were sneaking a peek at the TV or going for a snack, let's recap those membership rules: 1. Find one person a month to join; 2. Take one action a month to make a better world: nothing snarky, evil, dishonest, disingenuous, underhanded, stupid, or otherwise Foxy-Newsy Tea Palin-ish allowed. If you can do that, welcome to the One-a-Month Club.

You won't get a newsletter or freebies -- no membership bumper sticker, jacket, or pink Caddy -- but you don't have to send money and you'll get your country back.

Of course, we're too dumb to understand anything like exponential growth. We can't figure out that one-a-month reaches 16 million people in 2 years, then 2 billion by the 2012 election. (Whoa, 2 billion? That's more than vote in India, Dude!)

* * *

The fatal flaw? In the glare of hindsight, it's painfully clear. It was just too much to ask.

How about 1-by-2? Talk to someone within two months and do six good deeds a year. In 5 years we could have one billion members. I could post a printable membership card to pass out...make it green so it could go in your wallet with all the one dollar bills and blend.

Nah, sorry, still asking too much. Let's just feel righteous and complain while washing Tupperware in Amway soap.